Parenting Is A Full Time Job...Not A Floating Holiday

What is it about absence that makes a child’s absent parent (a.k.a. AP) forget they created a child? A child who was, at one point, the center of aforementioned AP’s universe? What makes them think that after years of not sending financial support for said child, and years of no contact or communication whatsoever, they can just waltz back into that child’s life as if no time had gone by since the last time they spoke? If AP has only seen the child a handful of times in 10 years, with most visits lasting less than 1 day, and has not helped to support the child financially (aside from the one time the custodial parent (CP) had no choice but to ask for help to pay for expensive medical equipment the child needed), the LAST thing CP wants to do is pretend like everything is ok.

CP doesn’t want to send the child away (sometimes states away) to stay with someone they don’t know. AP has no idea the child’s likes, dislikes, passions, eccentricities, mannerisms, or even the disciplinary ways that work best with them. It is only natural for CP to be somewhat leery when this ‘stranger’ decides to become a superparent after AP having no contact of any kind for multiple years. The thing about AP Superparentness is that it is usually very short-lived (between 1 week and 3 months). AP will appear out of nowhere and be the most exciting, awesome, money-spending, gift-showering, trip-taking, amusement park-going bundle of fun….and then one day they just disappear as though they never existed. This does a lot of damage to a child’s psyche. Not only does it do damage to the child, but it takes an amazing toll on CP.

There are some difficult things CP has to endure when AP decides to make an appearance (whether it’s via phone or in person) and then if/when AP disappears again…

• Watching the child attempt to trust AP after being hurt every time before.
• Knowing that every attempt AP made before was only kept up for a maximum of 1 month, or until     AP got tired of making the effort to care.
• Knowing that, when AP stops making the attempt to care this time, CP has to watch that child’s heart break and their self-worth shatter into nothing, leaving them broken and hurting, and there being absolutely nothing CP can do to make the pain go away. All CP can do is let the child cry on their shoulder and hug them with all the love their arms can offer… sometimes for hours each day or until the child cries themselves to sleep.
• Having to have the daily discussion with the child about how AP “loves them so much even if they haven’t called yet” until they finally just stop asking.
• Not being able to tell the child that it’s probably going to be another 2 years before they hear anything else from AP again because that’s how it always happens.
• Having to reassure their child that “I love you more than the world…I promise I will always be here for you and I will never forget you” because the child now (again) has the horrible fear that the people they love and trust are going to disappear like AP did and they constantly beg you not to leave.
• Dealing with a very angry teenager when they come to the conclusion that their AP couldn’t care less about them so they decide that hating the whole world is what will make them feel better.
• Watching the child check the mailbox the whole week of every holiday and birthday (because this time AP remembered them on their birthday), only to see the look of disappointment on their faces when the mailbox is empty, then having to say encouraging things like “I’m sure AP just got busy” even though CP knows that AP just plain forgot.

These are just a few of the things I’ve dealt with during the years my son has had an absent parent. I try to be high spirited when AP does make attempts to be there, but it’s hard. I try never to say negative things about AP anywhere even remotely close to being within earshot of my son because I want him to come to his own conclusions based on the actions of AP and not my personal feelings. I have learned to smile and make communication with AP effortless in the hopes that AP won’t say that I was the reason they never called or showed up. So many things are riding on my shoulders when AP enters and exits my son’s life…and it’s exhausting.

My request…is…if you’re going to be there….BE THERE, ALL THE TIME. If you’re just calling because you decided that today would be a good day to be a parent…maybe you just shouldn’t call. I don’t get a break. I don’t get the choice as to whether I want to have my son in my home all week/weekend/month/year. I can’t say “sorry kid, but I don’t have a job, so I can’t put any money towards your care this week/month/year” because he doesn’t have anybody else to provide for him. I can’t rearrange my visitation dates due to being sick because, sick or not, I have to be a properly functioning parental figure in this boy’s life every day of every week of every year whether I have the flu, diarrhea, pneumonia, bad breath, a headache, pimples, cramps, backache, nose bleed, you name it.  AP shouldn’t get to choose either.

Children deserve to be loved all of the time and not just when it’s convenient.

Check out this book: Longing for Dad: Father Loss and Its Impact

Product Description

Dr. Erickson helps readers and therapists identify and pinpoint the causes of father hunger, and explore the spiritual crises that unresolved losses such as this generate. Provocative exercises present strategies for resolving these losses and escaping the cycle of anguish.

About the Author

Beth M. Erickson is a family therapist and divorce mediator in private practice in Santa Fe and Albuquerque, New Mexico. She is the author of Helping Men Change: The Role of the Female Therapist, and has written numerous articles that stand at the intersection of gender and family therapy. She is on the editorial board of the Journal of Family Psychotherapy and is a reviewer for the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.